Someone said to me the other day,
I cannot trust myself.
I have thought about this little statement a great deal the past few days. Trusting others can be challenging enough at times, but why is it that so many of us have a harder time trusting ourselves than we do trusting others? It seems if there is anyone in this world we can trust without hesitation, it should be our very self. And yet, most of us find that we have disappointed ourselves so many times in our lives that we have developed an inability to trust ourselves as we have grown into adults. We may trust ourselves in certain areas of life, but not in others.
For instance, a heart surgeon, although she has an incredibly difficult and demanding job, may trust herself in the OR, having great confidence in her skill and ability to handle emergency situations, as she has witnessed herself perform and live up to the demands of the moment, again and again. However, she may not trust herself when it comes to communicating with her mother or choosing her boyfriends, because she has repeatedly gotten herself into situations in which ended up hurt.
Conversely, a mother of three may feel self-confident and secure in the way she handles all family matters and creates a warm and comfortable environment for those in her home, but she does not trust her ability and competence to return to the working world once her children have grown old enough to look after themselves.
A seasoned car mechanic may feel at ease in his shop, not fearing the challenge of taking on a complicated repair situation, yet he does not trust himself to be alone at night and resist reaching for that bottle of liquor.
The bubbly barista at the local coffee shop may feel entirely in her element while she is brewing up her customers’ requests, all the while engaging them in friendly conversation, but she does not trust herself to go home in the afternoon and face the temptation of her pantry and fridge.
Why have we become so distrustful of ourselves? Why do we fall into patterns of disappointing ourselves, over and over again, and how can we change that?
We all have our own set of unhealthy habits that can be difficult to break. Sometimes, these habits are so detrimental that they become dangerous to ourselves or others. In such a case, it is crucial that we seek out professional help and/or the support of our family and friends. Oftentimes, however, it is fairly harmless little habits that we turn into much bigger problems by continually berating ourselves. We might say, Oh, I always say the stupidest things. Or, Boy, why did I have to have that second (or third, or fourth) slice of cake? I will never reach my goal weight and feel good about myself if I continue on like this. Or else, This person would never be interested in me - I am not pretty/handsome/smart/funny enough... you fill in the blank.
By berating ourselves repeatedly, rather than creating new and healthier habits, we keep ourselves stuck in the old patterns we have come to despise, as we keep affirming just how weak and incapable we are. When we recognize that a current habit is not serving us, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to offer ourselves compassion. We may not be able to instantly turn our life around and do things differently, and that's okay. Being hard on ourselves, contrary to popular belief, is not going to help. What will help is being gentle. Being kind. And being loving. Talking to ourselves as we might talk to a loved one, to reassure ourselves and let ourselves know we believe in ourselves.
We can all remember times when someone else believed in us, while we did not. Times they encouraged us to move forward when we were hesitant. Think back to a time when someone else showed faith in you, and think about the impact this has had on your life. People come into our lives, like gifts, to lend us their belief in us as a crutch, to bridge a gap from one part of our lives to another, until we are strong enough to believe in ourselves.
...
What if we started, instead of continually harping on those aspects of ourselves that we believe are lacking, to focus on those things that we do great? …the parts of us we recognize look nice? …the things that we do well?
What if we began to trust ourselves again, the way we did when we were little children?
What if we believed that we ARE good enough, that we CAN accomplish what we set out to, and that people DO, in fact, love and appreciate us for who we are?
What if we relearned to LOVE ourselves?
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2 comments:
So,so true Angie. Thank you for inspiring me. Although we are often our own "worst enemy", we also get messages throughout life that can create a sense of inadequacy. Children often feel confident because no body told them otherwise. Eventually, sadly, society chips away at our egos and we can often fall into these bad habits. I heard someone interviewed today on NPR talking about depression and how positive self-talk along with writing down the facts and comparing them to our feelings can improve our self esteem, our mood and our world view.
Thanks, as always, for your insights.
I agree, Alys. Society, our parents, peers, all have a lot to do with our self-doubt and self-criticism. We've internalized outside criticism and made it our own.
What's very interesting is that some people are exposed to a great deal of criticism and adversity and manage not to take it on and grow up into self-confident and secure individuals, whereas others are much more prone to self-criticism and -jugdment, regardless of the degree of adversity they've been exposed to.
I agree about the positive self-talk. It can be a challenging habit to get into, but so very worth the while!
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